What To Do When Parents Disagree On Discipline Effects of Disagreement on ChildrenChildren of all ages thrive in environments that are stable and predictable. Young children become confused when one parent doles out relatively harsh punishments while the other is comparatively lenient. As a result, the child doesn't know what to expect. Friction that develops between the parents as a result of their disagreement can lead to feelings of guilt for the child, as well as an escalation of misbehavior as he attempts to figure out limits on his own. Teenagers respond in a similar fashion. Teens may express anxiety over their parents' child-rearing arguments by behaving in self-defeating or self-destructive ways. They often push limits until the parents have no choice but to come to an agreement that restores stability to the family. Regardless of the child's age, when parents argue over discipline decisions, they shift focus from the child's behavior to their own relationship. Agree to DisagreeParents don't have to be in complete agreement. As long as they maintain balance in their responsibility for making discipline decisions, there's nothing wrong with leaving relatively minor matters open for discussion or assigning responsibility for categories of rules to one parent or the other to deal with as they see fit. It's even okay to disagree in front of children, as long as the discussion is appropriate and is geared to finding a resolution. In fact, these disagreements may even be beneficial because they teach children to resolve rifts in an effective manner. Clinical psychologist Ruth Peters recommends that parents come up with a "code phrase" to use when one feels that the other has crossed a line. The code phrase is a time-out signal. The parents retreat to a private area for a cooling-off period and to decide how to proceed. By teaming together in this fashion, parents reinforce that, even though they not in agreement at the moment, they are coheads of the family and they dealing with the issue as one that between child and parents, not between the parents themselves. Communicate EffectivelyFor the larger issues that parents can't resolve on the fly, they need to understand their own motivations and those of their spouse. It may be helpful for the parents first to list the goals they expect discipline to accomplish. Each partner should have the opportunity to state, without interruption, why it's important to use particular tactics for discipline. The parents should also explain what they fear might happen if the child is disciplined differently. After both parents have their say, they can devise a plan for dealing with the most important discipline issues. Negotiate a CompromiseFor the most contentious discipline disagreements, parents should find a neutral time to work out a compromise by establishing guidelines they'll follow for setting rules and dealing with infractions. Begin with the most important, such as those that impact health and safety. Come up with a list of rules and the disciplinary action you'll take for infractions of each one. Keep the discussion focused on how each of your discipline ideas can help you meet the goals you established. Dr. It should not be used as a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. LIVESTRONG is a registered trademark of the LIVESTRONG Foundation. Moreover, we do not select every advertiser or advertisement that appears on the web site-many of the advertisements are served by third party advertising companies.